DOES THIS WOMAN LOOK PREGNANT TO YOU?

While the general lack of etiquette and manners on the part of all humans continues to astound our gentle sensibilities, there is nothing more appalling to us than the "baby bump" phenomenon that seems to have afflicted all celebrity news outlets of late, from print to cyberspace. It's become so widespread that it appears to be spreading to non-celebrities, perhaps the result of general ignorance on behalf of the public at large and general affinity for chocolate, wine, and other fine foodstuffs on behalf of the victim.

For the purposes of blogging anonymously, let's just say that we have a friend in the business, by which we mean not hollywood, but another "business" that requires much wining and dining and not nearly as much dieting. Well, no dieting at all, to be exact. The occupational hazard of said business just happens to be the equivalent of the freshman 15...only it doesn't exactly go away when you're working 60+ hours a week and traveling to exotic locations where people bend over backwards to feed you 7-course dinners.

Said friend has been asked multiple times in the last six weeks if she is expecting. "Expecting to eat?" she replies, coyly trying to suck it in for all she's worth. The embarrassed interrogator usually changes the subject at that point, to the weather or some other asinine topic that has nothing to do with reproduction, but the damage has been done. For the record, said friend has now abandoned all blousy shirts in her wardrobe, no longer leaves the house without her trusty Spanx on, and has made considerable efforts in proper posture and ab positioning techniques, but to no avail. Tonight someone asked her, YET AGAIN, if this is her first baby.

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO ASK A WOMAN, ANY WOMAN, IF SHE IS PREGNANT/EXPECTING/ FOR HER DUE DATE?

NOTA BENE: UNLESS YOU SEE A CHILD CROWNING FROM BETWEEN HER LEGS, ASSUME SHE'S GOT FUPA ISSUES AND MOVE ON.

And that, people, is your friendly public service announcement for the day.

PICO FOOTBALL ROUNDUP

-Joe Namath hitting on the female sideline "commentator" = priceless

-Frank Coyle of draftinsiders.com has done a faux draft. If the Dolphins really were to pick Dorsey (in my opinion the best Defensive Tackle) I'd feel sad for him. I understand this is how the draft works, but can't we just pretend the Dolphins aren't in the room. Maybe give them the wrong date and time, have them show up a week late. It could happen.

- Grossman is in limbo

- ESPN asks are the Seahawks being overlooked? Yes, the answer is yes.

TIS THE SEASON . . . . FOR WHISKEY!

PHOTO BY: NEAL

Winter is upon us. We've had our first rain and it's a bit nipply outside. No time like the present for a little whiskey. So bust out those flasks my friends, after all as Mark Twain said:

"Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough."

Hot Toddy
You need: 1 cube sugar
2 ounces bourbon, rye, Scotch, Canadian, or blended whiskey
Slice lemon
Nutmeg
Do this with it: Put sugar in a mug or small tumbler and add enough water to dissolve. Add the whiskey, fill with boiling water and stir. Garnish with slice of lemon and grate a little nutmeg on top.
House & Garden Drink Guide | November 1973


BUY SOME WHISKEY:

-Bushmills 16 Year Old Irish Whiskey $63.99 at Bevmo

-Bushmills 10 Year Old Single Malt on sale for $34.99 at Bevmo

-Johnnie Walker Scotch Gold Label 18-Year $81.99 at Wallys (map)


GO DRINK SOME WHISKEY:

-Tom Bergins makes a mean Hot Toddy and a deadly Sidecar (map)

-The Woods has a respectable whiskey list (map)

- Seven Grand is a given (bring your own pool cue chalk)

-Try the Dudley Do-Right at Big Foot Lodge in Los Feliz, this drink is made with Canadian Club so it only half counts (map)

OH SHECKY'S WHERE DO I BEGIN . . .

Shecky's Girls Night Out came to the Santa Monica Hangar (map) this week. Having been to the previous two events, I'd have to say this one was my least favorite. The venue was spot on, and a welcome change to last seasons cramped quarters. It's starting to feel like the same thing over and over again. However, in the spirit of shopping and free booze, I offer the Shecky's highlights:

Cool Vendors:

jodibwise - I bought an awesome shirt from her for N

DeLaLuna Designs - Virginia designs the most original handbags and pieces I've ever seen.

Jenni - They weren't selling anything but were giving away boxers

Page Hamilton Designs - Jane loved one of her bags

Goodie Bag Highlights:

Free Underwear!

Redken Products (not full size like the 1st Shecky's but better than the spring's Sunsilk offering)

Full size Aveeno sunscreen

Sample Arbonne body lotion (it smells nice)

I'll still go to the Spring event, but I'd like to see some denim dealers, more underwear, and less jewelry that looks exactly the same as the next booth. Also will someone please tell the Seasonique people that unless they give us something for free we aren't interested in hearing about new birth control (that is what magazine inserts are for).

GUIDE TO ENTERTAINING A NORTHERN IRISHMAN IN LA

Friday
1. Put him to work by having him coach your soccer team. Two days later while trying to prepare them for their game you will inevitably have to field questions about where exactly Ireland is and how exactly do you know him.

2. Take him to Indian food as he is a vegetarian (I know it's an anomaly), then take him next door to the Coach & Horses. Have Mr. & Mrs. N meet you because there is no point in going to the C&H without them.

3. Make him drive you home when you're smashed, with promises of Sumo Wrestling the next day.

Saturday
1. Wake up at 9:30am ready to see fat guys wrestle each other. By 11:00am realize that N is never gonna get up on time, and take him to El Chollo in downtown (Mexicans are friends of the vegetarian, when they get your order right).

2. Drive him around downtown saying things that make you sound like a pompous ass such as, "the downtown area is going through a revitalization right now, it's very exciting, that building over there is being turned into Lofts!"

3. Take him on a Charles Bukowski bus tour of LA.

4. Go to Pete's for dinner.

5. Attempt to get from Pete's to Scoops and get lost, all the while singing Blaze of Glory at embarrassing volumes.

6. Frolic Room, then decide to seek out karaoke. Pile 6 adults into a compact car that seats 5 (thanks again Jen!).

7. Hit up some bar called Blue something or other and the Brass Monkey and strike out on the karaoke front. (Sorry Andrew)

9. Finally, arrive at Jumbo's Clown Room, apologize profusely and make him swear to never tell your mutual friend that you took him there. (map)

Sunday
1. As he is now fully indoctrinated into the group he is required to attend Sunday dinner at Mr. & Mrs. N's.

2. Invite N's brother to throw a few insults in for good measure. Talk about horribly offensive stuff so he has the worst possible idea of Americans ever.

3. Pimp him out to take awesome photographs of your dog, like this one:

-K's dog

and this one:

N's dog

4. Watch Family Guy

5. Send him on his way confident in the knowledge that you have a new friend and you out drank an Irishman (granted it wasn't his best day and he was driving, but it still counts)

Bring Your Green Hat!

The Pub Crawl is on! May 18th - Santa Monica.

Here's the schedule:

5-7pm - World Cafe - Happy Hour

7-9pm - Finn McCool's - they just updated their website

9-11pm - Enterprise Fish Co. - we have the patio area and word is they have a DJ @10pm

11 - ?? - O'Briens - This place did me in on my last pub crawl so I'm expecting nothing less.