New Years Day 2008. My special lady friend and I are driving on the 210 East headed towards the Other Valley (not the San Fernando Valley or Santa Clarita Valley, but the other one) for some family birthday cheer. We are deeply engaged in conversation when I notice in my rearview mirror that Johnny Law is in the carpool lane and three feet away from my rear bumper. In the moment it took me to glance down at my speedometer (which was edging 85) and back up at the rearview mirror, he had already flipped the rollers. Maybe it’s me, but the first thought that went through my head was “I can take this guy.” Then I remembered that I’m a chicken-shit and he has a supercharged Hemi engine, a gun, and access to air support.

CHP: [Over the intercom] “PULL OVER SIR!

Me: [Raising my hand in the rearview to acknowledge him] “Prick”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “ALL THE WAY OVER!”

Me: “You mean I can’t stop in the number three lane Asshole?”

Special Lady Friend: “I know a good internet traffic school”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “OFF THE FREEWAY!”

Me: [Raising my hand yet again to acknowledge him] “Dude, I get it.”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “STOP HERE!”

Me: [Lowering my window]

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Uh, no Officer, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry.”

CHP: “I clocked you and the car in front of you at 85! License and registration.”

Me: “Listen, I’m really sorry about that officer.”

CHP: “I’ll be back”

Special Lady Friend: “It’s ok. You’ll pay your fine and take the class.”

Me: “It’s New Years Day and he’s not going to let me off”

CHP: “I wrote you up for 80+ so that you can go to traffic school. Drive safe.”

Me: “Thanks Officer.”

Now, here is how it should have gone down:

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going!”

Me: “You look nothing like Erik Estrada”

CHP: “What did you say?”

Me: “I said write another bullshit speeding ticket and fuck off.”

CHP: “You’re right. I’m a total douche. Since its New Years Day, I will pretend that I am human for a today and let you go. Here’s $20, buy your special lady friend something nice.”

Me: “Thanks for wasting my time you cheap bastard” [peels out leaving him in a cloud of burnt rubber]

So…does anyone know any good internet traffic schools?


-K said...

I once paid a ticket and said I was gonna sign up for traffic school and of course never did.

It was never on my record. Try that.

Dahoud said...

You would have that luck. See, I would do that and the Fuzz would put it on my record and then pull me over for some other chicken-shit violation, thus giving me two moving violations and my insurance carrier would jack my rates through the roof, even though I have been ticket free for 10 years.

N said...

Call Dr. Crime. Though the last time I did that, he lost my ticket in a pile of death penalty cases and I had a bench warrant out for my arrest. I went to the first internet traffic school I could find on Google, and it ended well.

Dahoud said...

Ah, a happy ending. I don't think the DRC will be able to help. Cops tend to hate his kind. I have to face the music, pay the man, and drive like a Asian woman for the next 18 months so that I don't get another ticket. So, if you see me in the fast lane going 65mph, make sure to flip me off because I would do the same to you.

N said...

Depending on how many tickets your Erik Estrada non-look-alike wrote that day, he may not show up in court. As it was New Year's Day, I'm going guess it was a lot. So do you all get the same court date, and he spends his day there to make sure he nails y'all? Or do you change the date or hope he won't show? You still have the traffic school option at that point, right?

Dahoud said...

Yeah, I can change the court date and I think because it was in Pasadena that I can even move the court appearance to somewhere else in L.A. County. So, perhaps I'll make the court appearance inconvenient so that he won't show up.

The Natred said...

Internet traffic school is a joke you could huff paint while doing the test ans still pass. I mean I past for christ sake.