12.28.2007

WHAT'S GOING ON IN DAHOUD?

So you’ve jumped on the Global Warming bandwagon and bought yourself a Prius. Good for you! Well, having taken six years of Latin in High School, you can trust me when I say that the word “Prius” loosely translates to “blowhard.” Actually, the word “Prius” in Latin translates to “first,” as in the first person to point out that they are driving a hybrid and single-handedly saving mankind by getting 45 miles per gallon as opposed to 35 miles per gallon (Pico reader John pointed out that the 1987 Honda Civic CRX HF got an EPA rating of 57 miles per gallon a full 20 years before the hybrid craze). However, telling everyone that they drive a hybrid just isn’t enough for Prius owners, as they are compelled by their inner-Gore to make their car a mobile picket sign. Prius owners have been known to take such bold and controversial stands with their bumper stickers as “trees are good,” “abortions are legal,” “animals are nice, and therefore eating them is mean,” and “tolerance is preferred to intolerance.” The only thing more infuriating than watching these assholes fly past me on the 405 with their neon yellow “Access Ok” stickers plastered beside their “PETA” bumper stickers, is being forced to go through the added disgrace of reading their personalized license plates for an hour and forty-five minutes on my commute home. Some of the choice Prius plates I have seen this week have been:

"OILBGON”

The driver of this Prius is under the impression that her purchase has relieved her of the burden of relying on fossil fuels. Apparently her car runs on the same contraption that Kevin Costner had in Waterworld whereby she can urinate in her gas tank and emit purified drinking water.

"LIVEGRN”

Yah, live green man. Meanwhile, this Prius owner’s backseat was filled with plastic shopping bags. Until this guy shops with hemp bags that he harvested and wove himself, and his children use loin-skin diapers made from raccoon pelts, he can keep his preaching plate to himself.

“PRDIIB”

This Prius owner had an American flag license plate frame, reminding us that one can think green and be proud to be an American. Bold.

“COXZIST”

Why didn’t we think of this before? Israelis and Palestinians put down your arms because the guy in the Prius said that we should all coexist and respect each others differences. Yeah, the guy in the Prius with the Dave Matthews t-shirt eating granola, he said we should just live in harmony. So, that should solve that problem. It’s so simple, yet so brilliant. Moron.

To further illustrate my point, West Hollywood has recently adopted the Prius as their parking enforcement vehicle of choice. God, I hate parking enforcement. Every year Forbes releases a list of the most respected professions, and “Parking Enforcement” continually ranks one notch below “Professional Child Rapist”. If I get one more chicken-shit ticket from these guys for not turning my wheel far enough into the curb, (even though I’m parked on a street with a 1% grade) I might just snap. Also, spare me the argument that “they are just doing their job,” because then the guards at Dachau were just doing their job too. So, there you have it…buying a Prius is like supporting child raping and Nazism. I hope you are happy with your purchase.

5 comments:

N said...

Not a bad post from someone who took 6 years to complete high school! Or was it just Latin class? ;)

N said...

As for license #4, I didn't think the DMV allowed such potentially pornographic abbreviations. Seriously, who reads C-O-X-anything and thinks it has to do with religion, regardless of the letters that follow? Maybe I'm stuck in the gutter...

iwriteplays said...

Dahoud, your post is rocking my world. Or, more accurately, it would be rocking my dad's world... If he actually bothered to read this blog. See, my dad has a Prius with a personalized licence plate that professes just how great his MPG is. He also refused to buy a Volkswagon because he called their drivers "little Hitlerites." he was half joking...

-K said...

Nice! We have one among us. That's diversity folks, right there!

Dahoud said...

Good point N. I took Latin from 6th grade to 11th grade. I forgot to mention that my High School was K-12. So there! I wasn't so good after 11th grade, Latin was a bit over my head at that point.