As Bing Crosby once said, “it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” which is why we here at Pico have decided to review the musical miscarriage that was Band Aid. In 1984 the “supergroup” Band Aid was formed in an effort to alleviate hunger in Africa by pinching a lyrical loaf into the willing ears of college students the world over. The band, comprised of Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Sting, Bono, Phil Collins, George Michael, Boy George, Duran Duran, Paul Weller, Bananarama, Big Country and other clueless musicians, produced a little ditty known as “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” According to the map below, I submit that the answer to their question is “no;” they don’t know it’s Christmas time...at all.

Aside from largely being a Muslim and Tribal continent, I imagine that the reason they (the Africans) don’t know it’s Christmas time at all is because they don’t have irrigation sufficient to sustain the growth of crops that feed the people who create the businesses which spur the economy that allows the citizens to have enough expendable cash to purchase overproduced British records about Africans not knowing its Christmas time at all. Maybe if they had running water, governments that lasted longer than Hollywood pilots, no war lords, genocide, De Beers, AIDS or Ebola, then they could focus their efforts on roasting chestnuts on the open fire, decking the halls, and throwing back a few eggnog lattés at the company Christmas party. At the very least, the lyrics to this song prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Bono has always been a no talent ass-clown, and that Paul McCartney should have lived at the Dakota instead of John Lennon. Case in point (with commentary):

It's Christmas time
There's no need to be afraid

(Why one would be afraid of Christmas, I don’t know)
At Christmas time
We let in light and we banish shade
(“Light good and shade bad” says the pasty Englishman to the African)
And in our world of plenty

(Just to clarify, “our world” means “not Africa”)

We can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world
At Christmas time
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones

At Christmas time it's hard
(I pulled a hammy carrying a load of presents to my car during my paid vacation.)
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window

(The window attached to your 10,000 square foot London flat.)
And it's a world of dread and fear

(Oooh, dread and fear; sounds ominous and trite.)

Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears

(Get it? They don’t have flowing water, but their tears from crying about not having flowing water is ironically their only source of flowing water. In the actual song Sting sings this lyric. Notice how he worked the word “sting” into that lyric? Sting: eradicating hunger one cross-promotion at a time.)

And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom

(See how they did that? Christmas bells are like clanging chimes of doom to Africans.)
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

(You can say that again Bono. This marks the only time Bono and I have agreed on something.)

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time

(Want some fruit cake? I got plenty. No really, its no bother. My aunt made an extra couple loaves with nuts and I'm allergic. What? You don't like fruit cake? I thought you were starving. You're starving, not desperate? Forget it, I hope Santa shits in your stocking this year!)
Feed the world
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

(Probably not.)

And there won't be snow in Africa
This Christmas time

(There is no snow in Africa during Christmas? How are they supposed to know when it’s Christmas time?)
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

(That’s Bono again reminding you that life is a gift, much like an iPod shuffle.)
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

(Have you tried irrigation?)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?


Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Ahhh, fresh clean water in my glass)
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun

(It’s hot in Africa, especially without cold, clean water…cold, clean water like the water in Sting’s glass that he’s raising to the thirsty Africans.)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

(Not a clue.)

Still don’t believe me that Band Aid was craptastic? Ask Morrissey.

“I'm not afraid to say that I think Band Aid was diabolical. Or to say that I think Bob Geldof is a nauseating character. Many people find that very unsettling, but I'll say it as loud as anyone wants me to. In the first instance the record itself was absolutely tuneless. One can have great concern for the people of Ethiopia, but it's another thing to inflict daily torture on the people of England. It was an awful record considering the mass of talent involved. And it wasn't done shyly it was the most self-righteous platform ever in the history of popular music.”


-K said...

How random is Big Country on that list?? By the way . . . Big Country sings Big Country in case you didn't know.

N said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
N said...

Well played. I especially like the link to the world religion map, and the mass generalization that all of us here in the US of A are Prods. And I object that Scientology is not represented AT ALL. (Actually that's awesome, but wouldn't it be fun to see little fuchsia Scientology dot where LA should be?) Cuz we know they like pink.

The Natred said...

Here is proof that Jesus hates them for not celebrating his B-Day


AL said...

This is further proof that Dahoud is a freaking genius. I would just like to say that I, too, pulled a hammy lifting the massive amounts of gifts I will not be giving to African children this season. Not only do the Africans not know its Christmastime at all, but I also think they want to know what love is...they want us to show them.

I would also like to reiterate that Big Country sings Big Country, and anyone who doesn't know that fact should (and will) suck it.

Finally, I would like to take this opportunity to state publicly that I am not anti-Bono (we can fight later, Dahoud), but agree that his efforts were not well placed in Bob Geldof's hands.

I love Morrissey, even if he is a pedophile.

-K said...

I concur Al.

Regarding Bob Geldof:
One one hand I want to hate the guy (dude named his kids Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie), but on the other hand he fought for full custody of said kids from his crazy ex-wife. And then after she bought the farm he took custody of her and Michael Hutchinson's kid.

But then again he married her in the first place (I'm sure knowing that she was a crazy bitch). So really was he just cleaning up his own mess. Man, I'm really torn on this one.

Dahoud said...

Al, maybe you should make it your mission in life to preach the teachings of Foreigner to Africa. You can show them what love is, they want you to show them. Plus, you on Karaoke would be far superior to Band Aid (especially if you incorporate the leg kick and some jazz hands). While you are there, you might as well introduce Bon Jovi to them. They are WAY behind.

Anonymous said...

I think you missed the rhetoric in the song by outting in smarmy comments. You don't have to answer the question "Do they know it's Christmas?"; is was meant for listners (i.e. the British populace of the mid 80s) to realise that poverty in some nations is so severe that a feastive season does not even exist - Christian or otherwise.