CHiPs

New Years Day 2008. My special lady friend and I are driving on the 210 East headed towards the Other Valley (not the San Fernando Valley or Santa Clarita Valley, but the other one) for some family birthday cheer. We are deeply engaged in conversation when I notice in my rearview mirror that Johnny Law is in the carpool lane and three feet away from my rear bumper. In the moment it took me to glance down at my speedometer (which was edging 85) and back up at the rearview mirror, he had already flipped the rollers. Maybe it’s me, but the first thought that went through my head was “I can take this guy.” Then I remembered that I’m a chicken-shit and he has a supercharged Hemi engine, a gun, and access to air support.

CHP: [Over the intercom] “PULL OVER SIR!

Me: [Raising my hand in the rearview to acknowledge him] “Prick”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “ALL THE WAY OVER!”

Me: “You mean I can’t stop in the number three lane Asshole?”

Special Lady Friend: “I know a good internet traffic school”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “OFF THE FREEWAY!”

Me: [Raising my hand yet again to acknowledge him] “Dude, I get it.”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “STOP HERE!”

Me: [Lowering my window]

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Uh, no Officer, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry.”

CHP: “I clocked you and the car in front of you at 85! License and registration.”

Me: “Listen, I’m really sorry about that officer.”

CHP: “I’ll be back”

Special Lady Friend: “It’s ok. You’ll pay your fine and take the class.”

Me: “It’s New Years Day and he’s not going to let me off”

CHP: “I wrote you up for 80+ so that you can go to traffic school. Drive safe.”

Me: “Thanks Officer.”

Now, here is how it should have gone down:

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going!”

Me: “You look nothing like Erik Estrada”

CHP: “What did you say?”

Me: “I said write another bullshit speeding ticket and fuck off.”

CHP: “You’re right. I’m a total douche. Since its New Years Day, I will pretend that I am human for a today and let you go. Here’s $20, buy your special lady friend something nice.”

Me: “Thanks for wasting my time you cheap bastard” [peels out leaving him in a cloud of burnt rubber]

So…does anyone know any good internet traffic schools?